As 2009 ends I'm working to end the year on a good note
mainly because i messed up 2009 so royally that it's taking alot to come back from it
but for 2010, my pledge is to become successful
and to accept success, whatever that may mean
personal: i will work toward being me, accept it or dont but i am who i am
also im going to only do what i can and stop trying to kill myself to do more than what i can

career: actually work toward progression.

a new beginning

im beginning to look forward to the new year
new place
new friends
hopefully a new attitude

ive never had many friends,
but for the first time in my life
i dont really have any
or at least none who dont want anything from me
or havent slept with

well, thats a lie
i have one
its funny because
her and i are really REALLLY alot alike
its scary really
both fear being alone
use sex to get closer to people
but dont think about if we really WANT to be close
to that person
over the past couple of months we have become closer
so now she is the one person that knows where
the bodies are buried
(most of them anyway)
she is the first person that ive let in in about 3 years

anyway, this weekend i realized that im lonely
(it was a real epiphany actually, knew something was wrong just didnt know what)
but i didnt want anyone there.
there was an offer (to which i regretted turning down)
i was busy all weekend but when i did get home
i couldnt bring myself to do anything
because i didnt want to do it alone
for the first time in a long time i was thinking about going out
i mean really out out
not to the jazz spot or the poetry spot
but out to an actual "club"

looking back on it i wish i had just brought
the snuggler/assassin over
she is someone that always makes me smile

its funny how things happen
not too long ago i was called an assassin (by john mayer) by someone
i hadnt heard the song so i went and picked it up
i realized that maybe
maybe at one point that was me
but the actual story......
yeah it was true.

i fell
HARD
for that one
she made me cry
and not like in my room with the lights off
the middle of the day
the middle of campus
im sitting at a picnic table
crying
telling a friend everything
at that point i should have licked my wounds and walked
hell, i even tried
but it was only half hearted
we ended up going back and forth
after i allowed her to end a relationship i was in
which in turn put me on the outs with my circle of friends
dont get me wrong they were still friends but because of the circumstances
there was no way that i could really hang with them again.

we ended because she all of the sudden didnt know what she wanted
it was really about WHO she wanted
her ex came back into the picture
i
i never really wanted to let her go
but i couldnt fight
if she wasnt going to
she fought
but it was more
of a half hearted
attempt to keep
me within arms
reach
so i pushed
and
pushed
trying to break away
she would pull
just enough to keep me

so i found myself
with very few friends
not alot of possessions
and a year of misery and heart ache

today im still trying to figure out
what to do
i cant go back
but im having problems moving foward

evolution of the former

at one time i was working on becoming open,
now dont get me wrong i would tell anyone who would listen what i thought about a particular idea, thought, concept, political ideology, hell almost anything as long as it didnt involve me.

during the summer, i made the conscious decision to be open
open with my feelings,
open with allowing other people in,

i had just come out of a relationship and i wanted to do things differently
but once i took that step
i couldnt go back

so i end up pouring my hear out,
telling her how i feel, what i want, thoughts, dreams
the whole 9 yards
only to hear that shes not sure what she wants
so here i am with everything out there
to only find out that im the only one willing to place everything on the line


will i do it again?
dont know
i know that that was one of the most painful experiences ive ever been through

i havent blogged in a very long time....... so this is a catch up

i have become a contradiction,
i speak but rarely listen,
i want to be seen but shy from contact,
i want love and companionship but constantly pushing people away,
i will stand for everything but whats most important,
i love my job but currently working toward self-sabotage,
i want to be in the front leading but want to work behind the scenes,
i have evolved by devolving,

I have finally realized and accepted that i am not who i was nor who i will be, i will constantly change, evolve, construct/deconstruct, the things that are thought to be Me.


that pretty much sums up me right now. No Where and Everywhere

work

i step before you
naked
my soul exposed
for all to see.

you gaze at me
remark about the pureness of the
light

you pause
then look closer
and ask
about that
blimish.

its something

from long ago

that keeps returning
im working on it,

but its deep.

its not easy to

remove something like

that.
i need help

i look in your eyes
and see the change
as it takes place

its old, it happened so

long ago

should it matter that its there?

the change continues

im trying to work it out

i just need alittle help.

but should it matter,

that one little spot?

when i first
came before u
u tried to quiet my
fears
you told me
the beauty of
my soul would remove any
doubts.

as you walk away
i realize its not my
soul
that needs help
its yours