continous thought

2009-12-19T12:53:00.001-08:00

As 2009 ends I'm working to end the year on a good note
mainly because i messed up 2009 so royally that it's taking alot to come back from it
but for 2010, my pledge is to become successful
and to accept success, whatever that may mean
personal: i will work toward being me, accept it or dont but i am who i am
also im going to only do what i can and stop trying to kill myself to do more than what i can

career: actually work toward progression.

a new beginning

2009-12-04T12:06:00.000-08:00

im beginning to look forward to the new year
new place
new friends
hopefully a new attitude

2009-11-30T09:38:00.000-08:00

ive never had many friends,
but for the first time in my life
i dont really have any
or at least none who dont want anything from me
or havent slept with

well, thats a lie
i have one
its funny because
her and i are really REALLLY alot alike
its scary really
both fear being alone
use sex to get closer to people
but dont think about if we really WANT to be close
to that person
over the past couple of months we have become closer
so now she is the one person that knows where
the bodies are buried
(most of them anyway)
she is the first person that ive let in in about 3 years

anyway, this weekend i realized that im lonely
(it was a real epiphany actually, knew something was wrong just didnt know what)
but i didnt want anyone there.
there was an offer (to which i regretted turning down)
i was busy all weekend but when i did get home
i couldnt bring myself to do anything
because i didnt want to do it alone
for the first time in a long time i was thinking about going out
i mean really out out
not to the jazz spot or the poetry spot
but out to an actual "club"

looking back on it i wish i had just brought
the snuggler/assassin over
she is someone that always makes me smile

2009-11-25T09:32:00.000-08:00

its funny how things happen
not too long ago i was called an assassin (by john mayer) by someone
i hadnt heard the song so i went and picked it up
i realized that maybe
maybe at one point that was me
but the actual story......
yeah it was true.

i fell
HARD
for that one
she made me cry
and not like in my room with the lights off
the middle of the day
the middle of campus
im sitting at a picnic table
crying
telling a friend everything
at that point i should have licked my wounds and walked
hell, i even tried
but it was only half hearted
we ended up going back and forth
after i allowed her to end a relationship i was in
which in turn put me on the outs with my circle of friends
dont get me wrong they were still friends but because of the circumstances
there was no way that i could really hang with them again.

we ended because she all of the sudden didnt know what she wanted
it was really about WHO she wanted
her ex came back into the picture
i
i never really wanted to let her go
but i couldnt fight
if she wasnt going to
she fought
but it was more
of a half hearted
attempt to keep
me within arms
reach
so i pushed
and
pushed
trying to break away
she would pull
just enough to keep me

so i found myself
with very few friends
not alot of possessions
and a year of misery and heart ache

today im still trying to figure out
what to do
i cant go back
but im having problems moving foward

evolution of the former

2009-11-18T11:36:00.000-08:00

at one time i was working on becoming open,
now dont get me wrong i would tell anyone who would listen what i thought about a particular idea, thought, concept, political ideology, hell almost anything as long as it didnt involve me.

during the summer, i made the conscious decision to be open
open with my feelings,
open with allowing other people in,

i had just come out of a relationship and i wanted to do things differently
but once i took that step
i couldnt go back

so i end up pouring my hear out,
telling her how i feel, what i want, thoughts, dreams
the whole 9 yards
only to hear that shes not sure what she wants
so here i am with everything out there
to only find out that im the only one willing to place everything on the line

will i do it again?
dont know
i know that that was one of the most painful experiences ive ever been through

2009-11-09T11:33:00.000-08:00

i havent blogged in a very long time....... so this is a catch up

i have become a contradiction,
i speak but rarely listen,
i want to be seen but shy from contact,
i want love and companionship but constantly pushing people away,
i will stand for everything but whats most important,
i love my job but currently working toward self-sabotage,
i want to be in the front leading but want to work behind the scenes,
i have evolved by devolving,

I have finally realized and accepted that i am not who i was nor who i will be, i will constantly change, evolve, construct/deconstruct, the things that are thought to be Me.

that pretty much sums up me right now. No Where and Everywhere

work

2005-08-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

i step before you
naked
my soul exposed
for all to see.

you gaze at me
remark about the pureness of the
light

you pause
then look closer
and ask
about that
blimish.

its something

from long ago

that keeps returning
im working on it,

but its deep.

its not easy to

remove something like

that.
i need help

i look in your eyes
and see the change
as it takes place

its old, it happened so

long ago

should it matter that its there?

the change continues

im trying to work it out

i just need alittle help.

but should it matter,

that one little spot?

when i first
came before u
u tried to quiet my
fears
you told me
the beauty of
my soul would remove any
doubts.

as you walk away
i realize its not my
soul
that needs help
its yours

drifting

2005-08-05T11:31:00.000-07:00

it seems like im drifting thru life.... no direction.....focused, but on everything and nothing......
i like school but when i look toward the future i cant see..... i know what i want to do but i dont think i can survive doing it, ya know? so im at the place where i have that decision......do i start over and try to do something that will make money or do i continue on the path that will make me happy?
maybe im looking to deep into it......maybe i should just let things happen, keep things pointed in the right direction and hope for the best.
hmmmmm.....

where

2005-08-05T11:29:00.000-07:00

lost contact......

missing those interactions........

they were brief but deep........

u said that you needed them......

but i think that i needed them more.

keep your head up

2005-07-25T11:33:00.000-07:00

today you sat before me and bared your soul. not expecting such honesty i was taken back for a second, but when i looked up your beauty blinded everyone around.

the light that you produced was like the sun dipped in black. passerbys found themselves unable to turn away from this amazing display, while i found myself being drawn in deeper. at one point all i could think of was to reach out and grab you. i felt the desire to tell you of the beauty that everyone sees but you. but every attempt was rejected by you.....

you standing here with you soul beared and still you can not see your own beauty, nor feel the warmth that you give others.
i sought out advise to see if maybe someone else would be able to help.

i was told that you can tell a bird it can fly, but the bird will not understand until it has taken wing and is soaring in the heavens.

2005-07-16T11:37:00.000-07:00

new found joy
i have a new found joy..........conversation
silly isnt it, something so common, so casual. it had always been something that would happen in passing before. see someone chat about this and that, maybe it would go futher and end up making me think. but until recently they never started as an exchange of ideas.
i now look forward to coffee and deep conversations. its a pause in the downward spiral that ive been on.

chance encounter

2005-05-31T09:04:00.000-07:00

wow......................once again WOW. you picked me up, right off the bus stop. i tried not to stare at you, and i tried not to seem strange by not looking at you at all. you had me in a daze, i watched your every move, hung on your every word. only wishing that you would kidnap me and take me you your secret layer.
you told me of your struggles, relationship, employment. i tried to capture everything i could about you within the 20 mins i was locked in with you. now i cant remember you name, but your face will be with me. when you looked and said that you hope to never see me again, i knew then that you thought about more than just this ride. you wanted more and so did i. i wanted to sit you down and find out everything. i mean everything, from you likes to dislikes, to why did you pick me. a goofy looking guy standing on the bus stop, never expecting you to come into my life.
i will find you again. and hopefully make it deeper, and deeper. untill you cant just walk away.

what was your name?

Falling in to a mind trap

2005-05-26T00:56:00.000-07:00

if i offered you something, it could be anything. lets say................. a different car, not new but different. Same year, different make and model. would you immediately take it? now you would loss you old one, it would be an equal exchange.

lets make it alittle more interesting, lets say you have been having problems with this car. nothing major in your eyes but everyone says that its about time for something new. now before you isnt something new.....its something different. and its sure to have its own set of problems. so the question remains do you take it or do you try and work out the problems that your currently having. if you think that it would depend on the problems that your having, think of it like this........how serious do the problems have to be? hard starting, rough running, or would it have to be the traumatic "click" when the key was turned? would it take a wreck or two, so that now the body is not quite perfect.

now apply this to a relationship. how long do you hold on to a dead relationship? do you stay until it completely has come to the point where the sight of the other person just makes you tired. or is it after that first serious argument when you really find out what the other person thinks?

its a mind trap, if you stay you may end up just falling deeper into something that you know isnt going to work. if you leave youll be by yourself and have to start that whole process all over again.

i talked to you again, and the more i talk to you the deeper i get pulled into your ever changing reality. today (within our conversation) you let me know that you have no idea who you are. which is actually cool, at least you know that your in search of you. hell, ill be there to help you look if need be. the problem is that during this search your grasping for the wrong things. your looking for comfort in people and things that will never give you comfort nor even offer it. your wants and desires are becoming your downfall, dragging down as you carry them from place to place. not knowing that they dont have to define you. your looking for the revolution in hopes that you can change the world, but in the mean time you cant find the time to just be you. you trying to be that person that everyone needs and eventually youll loss track you the real you. Every time i see you now i want to sit you down, and make you look at what everyone wants and what it is that you really need. hopefully this will show you that they are not always one in the same. you want so much to be an individual, but you go from group to group then absorbing their identity. i just want you to walk alone for alittle while, im sure that during this walk you find what your looking for.

i guess these might be rants of an isolated mind....................

Digress

2005-05-25T12:18:00.000-07:00

i may have been a little rough on the students at this university on my last entry. after i thought about it, the students here represent the community as a whole. disconnected from the countries problem as long as it doesnt affect them. so i really should single out my fellow classmates.

i met someone yesterday, and after a brief conversation she said "im a lesbian." now she said this not so much matter-factly, but more as declaration. one of those 'lets see the reaction' type statements. as the conversation progressed she mentioned how much she enjoyed the company of a woman, being a heterosexual male i had to agree with her (even though i dont know what it would be like to be with a man) theres nothing like being with a woman. so we discussed the anatomy of the female body for a while, until she mentions that shes have problem with the "person" that shes seeing. now this peeked my interest, i know a couple homosexual women (none of which call themselves lesbians) and they dont like relationship. so most of their encounters are like the men i know, meet-sex-move on. so i was wondering if she was having the same troubles with women that i do.

we talked a little while longer and she made mention of the fact that they hadnt had sex. and she might have thought that it may have to do something with "his" religion. HIS? now at this point i was starting to get confused, because she had made reference to this person being mannish before but i had thought that maybe the woman is just the dominate type. so i finally asked "your dating a man?" because at this point in her story it might not have actually mattered if she was dating a man or woman, the problem could have occurred with either. but somewhere i had gotten lost and all i could think of "is she dating a man?". anyway she looks at me kind of strange and said "yes, hes an actual man." now my next question of course was going to be, if your a lesbian why are you dating a man. because isnt the definition of lesbian homosexual woman? so if you dated both would you still be a lesbian?

i kept my mouth shut. and she went on to tell about how he is controlling and whats everything his way, and shes tried of just making out...... at this point ive stopped trying to understand the whole lesbian dating a man thing and ive started focusing on the real problem at hand. WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS!!!!???? you dont know me, we just met a couple minutes ago.

anyway, i told her to figure out what she actually wanted from the relationship and tell him. if he couldnt give it to you move on. if you not getting anything out of the relationship why stay? right? right. then she started talking about how her best friend has started pulling away from her and is acting strange about the "lesbian dating a man" (her words, not mine) idea. now after she said it i felt that it was fair grounds, i had been thinking it but wasnt going to bring it up. so i ask her exactly what is with the lesbian-man thing. you just got through saying that nothing could replace the touch of a woman and the world would be a better place if all the women became gay. then you say that your tired of just making out with this guy and you wished he would go further because you like him so much. now im thinking about to get some real deep answer, you know like hes special or some long story about how he did this and did that. she looks at me and goes "yeah, and". yeah? and? wait you just went through all of that and the only answer you can come up with is "yeah, and"?

so i let her have it. i explained to her that the only reason she even tells people that she a lesbian is that she thinks that its some counter-culture that goes against the mainstream. hell half the women i know are either gay or bi. how much more main stream can you get? date who ever, what ever you want just stop trying to identify with something that your not.

man i hate people sometimes

psyco pic

2005-05-24T05:11:00.000-07:00

yeah thats me, it never seems like i can get a good pic. i either look like a pothead/hippy, thugged out drug dealer or rasta ax murder.

the dreads are something that id thought about since i was about 13 and seen an ad in 'right on' mag. after i finished my army commitment they were truly the first thing i wanted. and their they are.

BLINDERS

2005-05-23T09:30:00.000-07:00

i have found that im constantly surround by mediocracy and habitual underachievers. this constant barrage of low self esteem and small minds has started to break me down. my search for free thinkers, hell thinkers period, is seeming fruitless. one would think that at a UNIVERSITY that more would be here to get an education, instead of treading thru a process necessary for a middle class life style. NO ONE WANTS TO LEARN!!!!!!!!! Stop looking to get by!!! what is the harm in trying to understand what's going on around you. raise your head out of your social life and look around! take off those blinders before you run into the society that your trying to avoid.

well, now that i have that off my chest i can write something. if you havent already guessed, right now im a student. im attending the Universty of Louisville, sociology and pan-african studies major. dont know what pan-african studies is? its the study of african americans and people of african descent. now what im going to actually do with a degree in pan-african studies is questionable. so why am i majoring in it if i dont have an idea of what i can do after i graduate? all i can say is that i enjoy the classes and im learning. which (as stated earlier) is why i wanted to go to school at the age of 30. i actually think that going later in life makes it alittle more enjoyable, and i know that i am involved more. not so much with campus life (partying, frats, ect.) but with the classes and dicussions (when i can find a decent one).

college has been one of my better decisions in life, really and truly its been one of the few major decisions that i have made. most others, i just let happen. dont get me wrong, i do have imput but not enough to actually affect the outcome. i was in the army for 10yrs, but it was my family that called the recruiter and set up the first meeting, i just never said no. ive sent the last 20yrs of my life just kind of floating along, not really directing but riding along. people who were close to me were so used to me just going with the flow that when i actually started to try and get focused the resisted. of course thats when everyone remember how hard headed and subborn i can be.

sighting

2005-05-22T09:41:00.000-07:00

saw u over the weekend, brought back a lot of old memories. the questions from you seemed rushed, as if you had only 2 mins to complete a novel. strange............

day in and day out i think about the mistakes. the would haves, could haves shape my thoughts. i realize that this is self destructive and for the sake of mental health i should move on. my reality..... is not linear shaped, i keep coming back to moments that ive lived already. arguments, finances, procrastination; the same situations reappear as if they were newly created. day to day activies are like walking a familiar path in a fog, you know the twist and truss you just dont seem them till its almost too late. wants and needs are found to be unimportant..................

strange, you didnt look any different.